A notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter,the other on the pavement．
A pupil meeting him said：
“Good evening,professor．How are you?
“Well,” answered the professor,“I thought I was all right when I left home,but now I don't know what's the matter with me．I've been limping for the last half hour．”
16．心不在焉的老師
有一天,人們看見(jiàn)一個(gè)有名的心不在焉的老師在路上走,他的一只腳一直踏在街溝里,另一只腳踩在人行道上.
一個(gè)碰見(jiàn)他的學(xué)生說(shuō)：
“晚安,老師.您怎么了?”
“啊,”這位老師回答說(shuō)：“我想我離開(kāi)家的時(shí)候還挺好的,可是現(xiàn)在我不知道出了什么毛病.我已經(jīng)一瘸一拐走了半個(gè)小時(shí)了.”
by Leigh Hunt
I had a schoolmate who had come into school at an age later than usual,and could hardly read．There was a book used by the leaners in reading called“Dialogues between a Missionary and an Indian．”It was a poor performance,full of inconclusive arguments and other commonplaces．The boy in question used to appear with this book in his hand in the middle of the school,the master standing behind him．
The lesson was to begin．The poor fellow,whose great fault lay in a deep toned drawl of his syllable and the omission of his stops,stood half looking at the book,and half casting his eye towards the right of him, whence the blows were to proceed．The master looked over him,and his hand was ready．I am not exact in my quotation at this distance of time ；but the spirit of one of the passages that I recollect was to the following purport,and thus did the teacher and his pupil proceed：
Master．“Now,young man,have a care ；or I'll set you a swingeing task．”（A common phrase of his．）
Pupil（making a sort of heavy bolt at his calamity,and neverremembering his stop at the word“Missionary”）．Missionary Can you see the wind?
（Master gives him a aslap on thehcheek．）
Pupil（raising his voice to a cry,and still forgetting his stop）．“Indian No!”
Master．“Zounds,young man!have a care how you provoke me!”
Pupil（always forgetting the stop）．Missionary How then do you know that there is such a thing?”
（Here a terrible thump．）
Pupil（with a shout of agony）． Indian Because I feel it．”
15．誦讀課
李·亨特
當(dāng)年我有個(gè)同學(xué),入學(xué)比常規(guī)的年齡要遲,而且?guī)缀跬耆粫?huì)讀書.那時(shí)有個(gè)學(xué)生用的閱讀課本,叫做《傳教士和印第安人的對(duì)話》.課本不怎么樣,盡是不得要領(lǐng)的論說(shuō)和一些老生常談.那孩子常常手拿該課本出現(xiàn)在學(xué)校中央,身后站著教師.
授課即將開(kāi)始.那可憐的學(xué)生的毛病在于他讀音節(jié)時(shí)語(yǔ)調(diào)深沉地拖長(zhǎng)腔并略去應(yīng)有的停頓.他站立著,三心二意地看著書,一面向身子右邊瞄去,因?yàn)榇驌魧?huì)來(lái)自那個(gè)方向.教師盯視著他,手已擺出了打人的架勢(shì).因?yàn)闀r(shí)隔已久,我的引述可能不很確切,但就我所憶,先生和學(xué)生的一次對(duì)話的要旨大致如下：
老師：“年輕人,小心點(diǎn)；要不我可要讓你狠狠吃點(diǎn)苦頭.”（這是他的口頭禪.）
學(xué)生：（大難臨頭,身體猛然一搖閃,根本記不得在“傳教士”一詞后應(yīng)該停頓.）“傳教士你能看見(jiàn)風(fēng)嗎?”
（教師扇了他一耳光.）
學(xué)生：（提高了嗓音,幾乎是在哭喊,但仍不記得要停頓）“印第安人不能啊!”
教師：“該死!年輕人,小心點(diǎn)別惹我發(fā)火!”
學(xué)生：（一如既往漏掉停頓）“傳教士那你怎么知道有這樣一種東西呢?”
（這時(shí)來(lái)了重重一擊.）
學(xué)生：（痛苦地叫喊）“印第安人因?yàn)槲腋杏X(jué)到了.”
Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today．
“It works like this,” she said．“Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns,for instance．”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns．“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman,a bobby in flames．See?Bobby Burns!”
“I see what you mean,” said the class know it all．“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?”
14．詩(shī)人的名字
我們的老師正在給我們介紹現(xiàn)在某些學(xué)校使用的一種新的記憶訓(xùn)練系統(tǒng).
“這個(gè)系統(tǒng)是這樣的,”她說(shuō).“假定你要記住一個(gè)詩(shī)人的名字——例如,要記住羅伯特·彭斯的名字.”她告訴我們把他當(dāng)作博比·彭斯.“讓你的腦海里閃現(xiàn)出一個(gè)倫敦警察的形象,燃燒著的警察.明白嗎?警察燃燒!”
“我明白你的意思,”班上的萬(wàn)事通說(shuō).“但是你怎么能說(shuō)那就不是羅伯特·布朗寧呢?”
Proctor（exceedingly angry）：“So you confess that this unfortunate freshman was carried to this frog pond and drenched?Now what part did you take in this disgraceful affair?”
Soph．（meekly）：“The right leg,sir．”
13．右腿
學(xué)監(jiān)（非常生氣）：“現(xiàn)在你承認(rèn)這可憐的新生被扔進(jìn)這蛙池里,渾身濕透?那么你在這不光彩的事情里扮演了什么角色呢?”
二年級(jí)學(xué)生（恭順地）：“右腿,先生.”
Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation,and the doctor,somewhat nettled,said：“Landon,you don't seem to be getting on very fast in this subject．You seem to lack ambition．Why,at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world．”
“Yes,” said Landon,“he couldn't help it,for you will recall the fact,doctor,that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher．”
12．亞歷山大大帝
蘭登作了一次不成功的朗誦.老師有點(diǎn)不悅,對(duì)他說(shuō)道：
“蘭登,你在這門課上好像進(jìn)步不大,你好像缺乏志向.亞歷山大大帝在你這個(gè)年齡可已經(jīng)征服了半個(gè)世界.”
“是啊,”蘭登說(shuō),“他沒(méi)法不那樣.博士先生,您回想一下史實(shí),亞歷山大大帝有亞里士多德做他的老師.”
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：“Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today．”
A student,after reading the notice,rubbed out the“c”．
Later Professor Laurie came along,and entering into the spirit of the joke,rubbed out the“l(fā)”．
11．“班”和“笨驢”
格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個(gè)通知：“勞里教授今天不會(huì)他的班.”
一個(gè)學(xué)生讀了通知后,擦掉了字母“c”.
后來(lái)勞里教授來(lái)了,也想開(kāi)開(kāi)玩笑,他擦掉了字母“l(fā)”.
Billy and Bobby were small boys．They were brothers,and they often had fights with each other．
Last Saturday their mother said to them,“I'm going to cook our lunch now．Go out and play in the garden—and be good．”
“Yes,Mummy,” the two boys answered,and they went out．
They played in the garden for half an hour,and then Billy ran into the kitchen．“Mummy,” he said,“Bobby's broken a window in Mrs．Allen's house．” Mrs．Allen was one of their neighbors．
“He's a bad boy,”his mother said．“How did he break it?”
“I threw a stone at him,” Billy answered,“and he quickly moved down．”
10．是他的錯(cuò)
比利和波比都是小男孩.他們是兄弟,兩人經(jīng)常打架.
上個(gè)星期六,他們的媽媽對(duì)他們說(shuō)：“我現(xiàn)在要做午飯了.去,到花園去玩吧,別淘氣.”
“是,媽媽,”兩個(gè)男孩回答,然后他們就出去了.
他們?cè)诨▓@里玩了半個(gè)小時(shí),然后比利跑進(jìn)了廚房.“媽媽,”他說(shuō)：“波比打碎了艾倫太太家的窗玻璃.”艾倫太太是他們的鄰居.
“他是個(gè)壞孩子,”他的媽媽說(shuō).“他是怎么把玻璃打碎的?”
“我朝他扔了一塊石子,”比利回答：“他趕緊蹲下.”
Mr．a(chǎn)nd Mrs．Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat．Now Mrs．Taylor was expecting another child．
Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much,so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too．
One evening Mr．a(chǎn)nd Mrs．Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival．“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes,”said Mr．Taylor．
Pat came into the room just then and said,“What are you talking about?”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now,because the new baby's coming,”his mother answered．
“ It's no use,”said Pat hopelessly．“ He'll follow us there．”
9．新生兒
泰勒夫婦有一個(gè)七歲的男孩,名叫帕特.現(xiàn)在泰勒太太正懷著第二胎.
帕特在別人家看見(jiàn)過(guò)嬰兒,他不太喜歡他們,所以他對(duì)自己家里也將有一個(gè)嬰兒的消息感到不滿.
一天晚上,泰勒夫婦正在為這個(gè)嬰兒的降生計(jì)劃做安排.泰勒先生說(shuō)：“有了嬰兒,我們的房子就太小,不夠住了.”
帕特恰好在這個(gè)時(shí)候走進(jìn)屋,他問(wèn)：“你們?cè)谡f(shuō)什么?”他的母親回答說(shuō)：“我們?cè)谡f(shuō)我們現(xiàn)在得搬家,因?yàn)閶雰壕鸵Q生了.”
“那沒(méi)用,”帕特絕望地說(shuō).“他會(huì)跟我們到那兒去的.”