不好意思,請恕我直言,如果嚴(yán)格來評的話這篇文章能上20分也就差不多了
總的來說,這篇文章結(jié)構(gòu)還是比較完整的.
可是感覺論據(jù)不夠有說服力,理由比較空泛,不夠具體
句子邏輯方面也有問題
另外樓主的語法錯誤實(shí)在有點(diǎn)太多...
有些錯誤直接影響了語義影響讀者理解,這是很致命的,ETS對這些要求比較高
希望樓主在考場上打字不要太貪快,請盡量減少一些比較初級的語法錯誤.
【personally speaking,i can't agree with the statement no more.】
樓主是想表示同意吧?應(yīng)該是I can't agree more.本來用這個句型是很好的,可是多了個no之后語義完全相反了.
【such is a fundamental requirement that people should have a king of passion to his or her nation and attention on mother country's honor.】
king(?) of passion
前面說的people should ...,后面怎么就變成his or her了呢?
前后請保持一致
such is .that最好改成It is ...that
【so everyone should perform some kind of national service to show his or her fidelity toward their country.】
與前一句類似的錯誤,everyone should...后面應(yīng)該跟toward his or her country.
some kind of改成some kinds of
【If a one day a civilian in a country do not love his homeland any more,he could no more be called as "human being" which is only use on those know how to thanks ,thanks the land which he growed up.】
還是那個問題：a civilian應(yīng)該搭配does not
"he could no more...growed up."整句話都有問題.
就語意來講這句話太偏激不夠客觀,請樓主重新考慮一下
如果不管語意,單改語法,可改成 he could not be called as a human being,which should only be used to describe a person who know how to thank the land in which he has grown up.
另外提醒一下,grow的過去式是grew
can never be forgave應(yīng)該是can never be forgiven
【taking a military service for instance,can promote the national security system since the large system is built on countless individual sodier of which should became one】
本來這個例子再develop一下可以成為很好的例子,可惜描述的不具體,語義也不夠清楚
不知道樓主這句of which should became
countless individual sodier---countless individual soldiers
【i have contributes to the nation and my life become more completed】
應(yīng)改成I have contributed to the nation and my life has become more complete.
另外,這句話與論點(diǎn)"doing national service gains lot of benefits but almost no disadvantages."沒有關(guān)系,不能直接支持論點(diǎn).樓主應(yīng)該補(bǔ)充另外的論據(jù)
gat together---get together
【this makes our country stronger and makes the dream of "being a part of a super big country " come to reality.】
指代不清."this"指代的是什么?請完整的寫出來
另外請問樓主,"being a part of a super big country"是誰的dream?our country還是the people?
還有,如果樓主想要表達(dá)“超級大國”的意義的話最好用super powerful country,"big country"通常只用來形容面積大的國家
【taking national service got so many privilege,then why don't we just start from now and devote ourselves in to the national service.】
這個結(jié)尾并不是很好.第一,作者沒有對之前所論述的論點(diǎn)進(jìn)行簡短總結(jié)；二,taking...privilege是一個完整的句子,why don't...service?也是一個完整的問句,兩者之間應(yīng)該用連詞連接,如since taking.,why...三,got---has,privilege---privileges,in to---into
樓主下次寫作的時候可能還要再嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)一點(diǎn)...
希望我給你的提醒能對你有些幫助
請繼續(xù)加油吧