巴黎鐵塔應(yīng)該就是艾菲爾鐵塔吧?應(yīng)該是the Eiffel Tower,一般是要加the的.
I am staring on you at a corner in a cafe at Elysee street.
我覺(jué)得應(yīng)該是staring at吧?
all French are focus on you who is wearing a red cloth while showing the attraction casually.
應(yīng)該是all French' eyes are focused on ,因?yàn)閒ocus本來(lái)就是動(dòng)詞,這里用被動(dòng)吧.個(gè)人覺(jué)得改為all French' eyes比較好.
還有就是a red cloth,應(yīng)該是a red clothes,cloth是布的意思.
整個(gè)句子這樣改一下比較好.
all French' eyes are focused on you wearing a red cloth and showing attraction casually.
伱覺(jué)得呢,伱先看看,我再繼續(xù)改.
getting high would lose your sight.
so how could you feel the romantic Paris.
原句是太高,所以getting too high比較好,嗯,其實(shí)我個(gè)人翻譯的話會(huì)翻譯成stangding too high,應(yīng)該用getting有種爬上去的感覺(jué),這個(gè)伱自己考慮吧.
please come down and I am waiting for you there.
there改為here吧.
getting high would make you die.怎么會(huì)是die?是否打錯(cuò)的?頭暈應(yīng)該是dizzy吧.
you are too more self-protection from the other.這個(gè)句子好像有問(wèn)題哦,保留主謂賓,就成了you are self-protection,而且用the other也不行,the other僅用于兩者中剩下的那個(gè).
so how could the one who loves you approach near you.我沒(méi)有見(jiàn)到過(guò)approach near的用法,approach 一般與to連用.
這兩句一起這樣譯吧,too more self-protection makes the others loving you couldn't approach.
love between you and me is once in a life time.這句話總覺(jué)得不通順,說(shuō)不出來(lái)為什么.
please come down because you are standing too high.我覺(jué)得用you stand too high好點(diǎn).
為了保持上下段對(duì)稱我又重新給伱疏通了一下,請(qǐng)看全文.
the Eiffel Tower
you are standing on the Eiffel Tower.
there is a long distance between you and me.
I am staring at you at a corner in a cafe at Elysee street.
all French' eyes are focused on you wearing a red cloth and showing attraction casually.
stangding too high would make you fuzzy
and could't feel the romantic of Paris
too clearly after time goes by.
just try to close your eyes to feel the lovely air.
please come down and I am waiting for you here.
getting high would make you dizzy.
too more self-protection makes the others loving you couldn't approach.
love between you and me is once in a life time.
please value it.
please come down because you stand too high.
這是根據(jù)伱的做的改動(dòng),但其實(shí)都不是很好,因?yàn)閬没旧隙际前凑照Z(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)來(lái)翻譯的,但是歌詞其實(shí)是要求簡(jiǎn)練、形式自由,而且要求押韻,押韻現(xiàn)在我們一般都還做不到（這是專業(yè)人士做的努力）,但是簡(jiǎn)練也比較容易做到,下面伱看我翻譯的.
站在巴黎鐵塔的你 Standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower
高不可攀是我們的距離 Too distant is our distance
香榭利大街的咖啡廳 In a cafe at Elysee street
一個(gè)不起眼的角落有個(gè)我專注著你 I am staring at you in an unattractive conner
法國(guó)的焦點(diǎn)開(kāi)始轉(zhuǎn)移France's fouse is change
所有的目光落在了那個(gè)紅衣少女All the eyes fouse on the red clothes girl
不經(jīng)意的自然魅力Casual nature attraction
發(fā)揮著她最大的威力Shows her great glamour
你站得太高 Too high you stand
會(huì)看不清 Too fuzzy your sight
巴黎的浪漫 Paris's romantic
后知后覺(jué)你才清醒Too late when you realize
試著閉著眼睛 Just try to close your eyes
去感受這濃濃氣息 to feel the strong fragrance
快下來(lái)吧我等著你 Come down.I'm here waiting.
你站得太高 Too high you stand
就會(huì)頭暈 Too dizzy you feel
自我保護(hù)的多心 Self-protection heart
愛(ài)你的人都卻步難行 Too difficult the others loving you
這份緣一生一次 Only once in life
請(qǐng)務(wù)必要珍惜 Please value our love
快下來(lái)吧你有點(diǎn)高了 Come down quickly.You stand too high.
我盡量做到了押韻,但這的確很難,不過(guò)上下結(jié)構(gòu)我都盡力做到了對(duì)稱.歌詞形式很自由,不必過(guò)于拘束于語(yǔ)法.比如名詞的疊用、互相修飾,像Self-protection heart形式,其實(shí)在書(shū)面語(yǔ)中也是可以用的.