雅思小作文修改

雅思小作文修改
The line charts gives a breakdown of the proportion of men and women according to their weight.The weight groups are divided into three categories,which were healthy weight,overweight,obese and dangerously obese.
The percentage of overweight women remained at the same level(below 50%)without remarkable change.Compared with male counterparts,whose percentage has risenslightly from approximately 42% to 46%.Both of the healthy rate was a downward trend,accounted for around 45% in 1993 and 36% in 2002,and the percentage of women comprised from 40% to about 31%.
It is noticeable that the rate of dangerously obese and obese of male and female stood at the similar trend.By contrast,the percentage of female obese was marginally lower than men's.However,the proportion of male dangerously obese was a little higher than female counterparts.
To sum up,the percentage of overweight of men was much higher than women. http://wenwen.soso.com/z/q148267354.htm圖在這!詳細(xì)的說下我的缺點...再打個分...

其他人氣：652 ℃時間：2020-05-03 07:24:50

優(yōu)質(zhì)解答

有語法錯誤,不過條理還算清晰.
1.我覺得“without remarkable change.Compared with male counterparts,”這里compared前面應(yīng)該改為逗號,這樣句子更連貫一些,雖然之前的一句已經(jīng)提到woman,但是compared所指明顯為woman用逗號更好.
2.“he line charts gives a breakdown of the proportion of men and women”注意你的動詞“gives”不應(yīng)用復(fù)數(shù),雖然是小錯誤,但一定要注意.還有名詞的復(fù)數(shù)“their weight”應(yīng)該為“weights”“Both of the healthy rate was”應(yīng)改為“healthy rates were”
文章很中規(guī)中矩,沒有非常幼稚的錯誤,但是稍有不細(xì)心,應(yīng)該注意詞匯的變化,以及副詞的使用,這樣會有很多驚艷的地方.比如描繪線形圖的陡峭長度,還要注意詞匯的變換,如rate,percentage,proportion,proportionment,per- centum,percent,盡量不要重復(fù).
你是在國外考嗎,其實你寫的已經(jīng)不錯了,只是層次要更清晰,比如要有明顯的提示詞,是從全局描寫,還是in details.

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雅思小作文修改

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