我雅思7.5分,希望能給你一些幫助.我只改了錯誤和很不妥的地方,沒有改進(jìn)單詞、詞組的選擇、句子、文章結(jié)構(gòu)、邏輯順序等等,那個工作不能隨便做,而且要根據(jù)你個人習(xí)慣來寫.
1.it is arguable WHETHER CHILDREN SHOULD be busy
1>刪掉that 2> 調(diào)整順序
2.paid work can PROVIDE work experience which is significant for CHILDREN TO study SOCIAL KNOWLEDGE and START taking obligations
3.lay the foundation for the employment of the young students IN THE FUTURE
4.好幾處 youngsterS加復(fù)數(shù)
5.AS A CONSEQUENCE,youngsters may fall behind the others if spending major time on paid work.
章結(jié)構(gòu)沒什么好說的,老套路,也很好用,算有說服力的模板.詞組選擇的寬度還是不夠廣.關(guān)鍵問題是第二段論證不夠充分,還可以再多寫,多二三十個詞,論證也更充分,字?jǐn)?shù)也更足.而且第一和第二條理由層次不清晰.有一些錯誤和語序問題.綜上,我覺得可以在5分到6分,還有上升的空間.
雅思大作文批改!高分!求分?jǐn)?shù)~~
雅思大作文批改!高分!求分?jǐn)?shù)~~
題目In many countries children engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience , important for learning & taking responsibility.
作文如下:
In the present age ,it is generally arguable that whether should children be busy with some money-making jobs.Some people believe that this action is totally wrong while many others argue that paid work can afford work experience which is significant for study and taking obligations.As far as I am concerned, i am in favor of the former view.
There is no deny that the knowledge taught from schooling lay the foundation for the employment of the young students .Hence, children should concentrate on study firstly and mainly. Moreover, being engaged in some kind of part-time job may occupy their time for study. For instance, youngster may fall behind the othersas a consequence of spending major time on paid work.Last but not the least, working in flexible society would emerge variety of possible problems. For example,some child labourers ask children to do some illegal works which could lead to serious physical and emotional hazards.
Admittedly , valuable work experience is beneficial to youngster. The reason for this is that young students can learn how to take responsibilities and promote their adaptability. Even so, paid work may make the children to only concentrate on making money instead of study. Moreover, some youngster would like to step into society and leave off their study.
Overall, i would concede that paid work have some merits on enriching work experience and contributing to the ability to survive. Despite that, children that engaged in making money may cause many possible serious dangerous problems. In summary, i am convinced thatgovernment should make laws to regulate the market of child labour and monitor the children work in reasonable time.
題目In many countries children engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience , important for learning & taking responsibility.
作文如下:
In the present age ,it is generally arguable that whether should children be busy with some money-making jobs.Some people believe that this action is totally wrong while many others argue that paid work can afford work experience which is significant for study and taking obligations.As far as I am concerned, i am in favor of the former view.
There is no deny that the knowledge taught from schooling lay the foundation for the employment of the young students .Hence, children should concentrate on study firstly and mainly. Moreover, being engaged in some kind of part-time job may occupy their time for study. For instance, youngster may fall behind the othersas a consequence of spending major time on paid work.Last but not the least, working in flexible society would emerge variety of possible problems. For example,some child labourers ask children to do some illegal works which could lead to serious physical and emotional hazards.
Admittedly , valuable work experience is beneficial to youngster. The reason for this is that young students can learn how to take responsibilities and promote their adaptability. Even so, paid work may make the children to only concentrate on making money instead of study. Moreover, some youngster would like to step into society and leave off their study.
Overall, i would concede that paid work have some merits on enriching work experience and contributing to the ability to survive. Despite that, children that engaged in making money may cause many possible serious dangerous problems. In summary, i am convinced thatgovernment should make laws to regulate the market of child labour and monitor the children work in reasonable time.
其他人氣:338 ℃時間:2020-04-07 09:00:57
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