I am a big fan of climbing (climbing 什么?climbing本身不是個活動.如果你指的是在野外走路/ 探險,可以替換成 “hiking”).(插入transition,因為這前后兩句話沒有任何聯(lián)系.比如你可以在這里插入 “However,I almost got into trouble because of my hobby once.”) One afternoon,I went (改為 “was”) climbing (改為 “hiking”或其他更好的詞) in the wild.（插入轉(zhuǎn)折,還是前后沒關(guān)聯(lián),比如“I had a good time,yet）When I decided to go home nearly （改為“near”）the (刪除“the”) evening (或者把 “nearly the evening” 改為 “at sunset”),I realized that I have (刪除 “have”) lost my key somewhere (刪除 “somewhere”).I looked for the key while (改為 “as”) I go (改為 “went”) down the hills for a long time (,) but I had no luck (把 “I had no luck” 改為 “the action was in vain”—不改也沒錯,但是這是更高級的用法,你的讀者會喜歡的).I was so worried and (改為 “because”—大哥,這是因果關(guān)系好不好—因為你餓了而沒有鑰匙回不了家,所以你才擔心……) I started to feeling （改為 “felt”—更簡潔）a little bit (改為 “rather”—a little bit 太口語化) hungry.But （兩句連一句）I couldn't (could not—正式作文里,永遠不要用縮寫!) go home (加入 “and eat dinner”—前面你說你餓了,后面你說你回不了家,兩者有聯(lián)系么?我知道正常人都能看出來有聯(lián)系,但是答題一定要把老師當弱智一樣,把所有的東西都寫清楚.別不服氣,我受過慘痛教訓,不希望你重蹈覆轍而已) without my key.(加轉(zhuǎn)折 “Luckily”) Just when I (was) about to gave (give) (寫過去時就要全用過去時啊,時空穿梭機還沒被發(fā)明出來呢) up,I met one of my friends (a friend,你要說的是“一個朋友”不是“朋友之一”).I told him the story of (改為 “about”—更簡潔) me losing the (改為 “my”—你的鑰匙沒有那么偉大,也不是人人皆知世間只有這一把,所以你要說清楚是你的鑰匙) key.He was so kind and (改為 “that”—又應該是因果關(guān)系,他之所以是好人,是因為他幫你找鑰匙—that 后面放解釋/ 原因) he helped me to find it.After about (刪掉,或者換成 “approximately”—一樣的意思,about 太口語化了) 10 (ten—minutes,正式作文里,永遠不用阿拉伯數(shù)字,除非數(shù)字太大,寫出來不簡潔,比如76663549) we finally found it (改為 “my key”—上句已經(jīng)用過it 了,這句換個花樣,讓文章多樣化) behind a bush.I was so excited (excited?找著個鑰匙你像磕了藥一樣一蹦三尺高?不是吧?但是 “excited” 就這意思—改成 “relieved” 或者 “happy”.(+轉(zhuǎn)折 “Thus”) To express (my,知道你學的是個定語,但是要學會變通) gratitude,I decided to have dinner with him.And I will (用過去時,“would”) pay for the bill.
*這是真事?有些不合理呢.因為找不到鑰匙回不了家,又餓,所以才擔心.但是你朋友幫你找到鑰匙了,你又有錢請人家吃飯.既然有錢,干嘛開始因為找不到鑰匙回不了家,又餓而擔心啊?如果是編的,把結(jié)尾改成“以后會請人家吃飯”
I am a big fan of hiking.However,I almost got into trouble because of my hobby once.One afternoon,I was hiking in the wild.When I decided to go home at sunset,I realized that I lost my key.I looked for the key as I went down the hills for a long time,but the action was in vain.I was so worried because I felt a rather hungry,but I could not go home without my key and eat dinner.Luckily,just when I was about to give up,I met a friend.I told him about me losing my key.He was so kind that he helped me to find it.After approximately ten minutes,we finally found my key behind a bush.I was relieved.To express my gratitude,I decided to have dinner with him.And I would pay for the bill.(*To express my gratitude,I promised myself that I would buy him dinner to pay him my thanks.)
看不出兩段的差異,講的是一個事情啊.只是兩種語法錯誤而已啊.如果要求是用兩種寫法的話,讓別的大大改第二段吧.我一個人有一個寫作風格,所以只能寫出一個正確語法的答案.
要想要高分,有三點：詞,句,段
詞：用長詞,難詞.并且要準確把握詞的意思.比如找到鑰匙你是不擔心了,不是興奮.
句：我不清楚你都學的什么,但是盡量用不同的句型.你上面的這段話,句句都是主謂賓 （I 干了什么.I 干了什么）.這不是語法錯誤,但是會讓你的文章及其單調(diào)以及初級.抱歉沒法幫你改,我要是改了,就等于幫你重寫一篇了.
段：大哥你寫的不是文章吧.根本沒有中心思想.從你愛登山扯到你要請朋友吃飯.事件雖然發(fā)生的比較合理,但是沒有中心思想.沒法只言片語講清楚,可以發(fā)百度信息給我或者自己找書學.還有就是你的轉(zhuǎn)折,前言不搭后語.教你個辦法：寫出來后,把兩句挨著的話單拎出來,想象自己只寫了這兩句話,看看兩句話連貫不連貫.用白癡的智商去看,不要讓大腦自作聰明的補全.
貌似就這些了.我寫的可能有些苛刻,別介意啊.不清楚中國高中的英語程度,我盡量改成完美了