The debate over whether hard work is the only reason for success has been raging for quite a few years in my country.Many hold the idea that luck also is an important reason （老是用reason,老師會(huì)打瞌睡的,何妨試一試agent,element?詞匯多變是取勝之有效手段）for success claim that luck sometimes can help us to avoid troubles.Although this point of view embraces some valid point（表達(dá)同一個(gè)意思用同一個(gè)詞匯,顯得很干癟,嚼之無(wú)味啊,倒不如這樣寫,this viewpoint embraces some seemingly （加強(qiáng)這種觀點(diǎn)站不住腳的嫌疑）valid element,或者segment）,I insist that it is the hard work（這是一個(gè)強(qiáng)調(diào)句,如果用了because of hard work ,真正的主語(yǔ)hard work就被架空了,也就是這個(gè)j句子沒(méi)有真正的主語(yǔ),這是扣分的要害之處,想用高級(jí)語(yǔ)法,又用錯(cuò)了,很讓那些老師痛恨的,畫虎不成反類犬……） that makes people become successful from the aspect of the improvement of the skills (連續(xù)用of,很難看,換成skills ‘ improvement)and the enrichment of the confidence.
The primary reason is that hard work is able to （不妨把is able to換成enables,）increase the ability of our own （the ability of our own就是 our own ability了,簡(jiǎn)單明了）which is important（一直用important,且用很多次,顯得你詞匯不豐富,很吃虧的哦,crucial,imperative,momentous,principal） for us to success（success是名詞,這里不定式應(yīng)該接一個(gè)動(dòng)詞吧,succeed）.For instance,because of （because of已經(jīng)落伍了,用on account of）the hard work,Li Na,the famous Chinese tennis player,became the champions （champion只有一個(gè),怎么能用s呢,引起歧義,）of(介詞用錯(cuò)了,應(yīng)該是in) a lot of(a lot of實(shí)在太平民化了,換個(gè)高級(jí)點(diǎn)的a multitude of) games.Because of the hard work(我看得出來(lái),你連用兩個(gè)because of是為了加強(qiáng)語(yǔ)氣,但是閱卷老師未必能體會(huì)你對(duì)李娜的贊許,換成這樣,And merely for this reason,不僅能讓老師一眼看出來(lái)你想表達(dá)的意思,而且還能有效避免連用兩個(gè)because of 所體現(xiàn)出來(lái)的詞匯量不豐富的尷尬),she can largely increase（換成enhance,reinforce） the ability of playing tennis so that it is （加一個(gè)far,或者much,加強(qiáng)語(yǔ)氣）easier for her to beat（defeat擊敗,beat擊打） others.Otherwise,if she just relied on the luck,she would not have enough ability to succeed for so many times.（剛才用了ability,這里又來(lái)?不妙啊,換個(gè)說(shuō)法吧,Otherwise,if she just relied more on the so-called (so-called,帶有貶義,用在這里再合適不過(guò)了) luck,the moment when she won the France open will come fairly late ）
It constitutes another reason for my point of view that hard work can help us to become more confident.Like for me(恕我孤弱寡聞,沒(méi)有見過(guò)這個(gè)詞匯,應(yīng)該是as for me),after playing ping-pong for about 6 years,it is easier for me to win the games in the school.It is 6year's hard work that makes me become so confident which can always help me （help sb do sth ）success（succeed）.Hard- working can give us the energy to believe in ourselves,while luck can not.
Admittedly,luck can sometimes help us to get out of trouble.However,we can not get the luck every time.The success which gets because of the luck is not the real success.After working for months and trying for years,such success does belong to our own.
To sum up,from the evidence mentioned above （ evidence mentioned above 不就是aforementioned evidence的大眾版么?換一個(gè)高級(jí)一點(diǎn)的就不同了）results the natural summary that despite the chances of sometimes work,luck has nothing to do with（換成has no bearing on也不錯(cuò)?。?the real success.Therefore,it is the hard work that is the key of the success.（你用了好幾次強(qiáng)調(diào)句it is ……that……了,當(dāng)一篇文章中,相同的詞匯,相同的句式,相同的表達(dá)法出現(xiàn)之后,后果很嚴(yán)重………… the key of success reside in hard work indeed!）
點(diǎn)評(píng)：詞匯不是很豐富,句式不是很靈活（通篇都是ability,capacity,capabilities表示意見很大啊……because of用了好幾次,那個(gè)強(qiáng)調(diào)句也用了三次）,估計(jì)能得到60%的分?jǐn)?shù)（恕我直言啊） ,要想的高分,要用高級(jí)一點(diǎn)的詞匯（a lot of ,many,expert ,be good at之類的就免了）,還要懂得如何靈活變換句式,變換表達(dá)法,當(dāng)你做到這些之后,你的分?jǐn)?shù)不低（雖然我沒(méi)有考過(guò)托福,但請(qǐng)你原諒,你這篇文章僅僅是一篇四六級(jí)中下游的文章……）