I take great pleasure in recommending Mr. Ao Yang, my former student, for admission into your distinguished postgraduate program.這句話幫你改成：I take pleasure in recommending my previous classmate,Mr Ao Yang, to join in your distinguished postgraduate program.
At first, Mr. Ao’s ordinary appearance did not catch much of my attention.這句話改成：At first, Mr Ao's ordinary apperance did not attract my attention. 吸引某人,不用catch,要用attract.
Later, I gradually found that he was intelligent, being able to raise the questions that other students could not reach. 這句話改成：Later, I gradually found that he was a delicated and intelligent person who could do the question that other could not deal with.解決問(wèn)題,不用raise,用deal with或是cope with或是solve等.
Mr. Ao is an initiative and conscientious student, seeking self-improvement constantly.I found she indicated a great interest in Japanese language and literature.這里這改成：He is an delicated and obsorted student and he is always seeking self-improvement chance.
In China nowadays, computer and network technologies are relatively falling behind in comparison with the western countries.這句話語(yǔ)序改成：Nowdays, in comparison with wester countries,computer and networks technology in china are relatively falling behind.
I recommend him without any reservation. If you want to know more about him, please do not hesitate to contact with me. 這句話不好,改成：I am sorry that I recommend him without any reservation with you. Thanks for your attention and please contact with me if you would like to know more about him.
幫你調(diào)整下格式：
Dear***,
How is everything going in these days?
I take pleasure in recommending my previous classmate,Mr Ao Yang, to join in your distinguished postgraduate program.
I got to know him when he took my Operating System course.At first, Mr Ao's ordinary apperance did not attract my attention. Later, I gradually found that he was a delicated and intelligent person who could do the question that other could not deal with.Moreover, he often had personal talks with me about the cutting-edge technologies in the network field. His enthusiasm on the study of computer networks and breadth of the relevant knowledge gave me deep impressions.He is an delicated and obsorted student and he is always seeking self-improvement chance.He had personal talks with me several times, I found she indicated a great interest in Japanese language and literature.
Nowdays, in comparison with wester countries,computer and networks technology in china are relatively falling behind.So I personally very much support Mr. Lin to further his study and refine his skills in your institution. And I am sure that it will be tremendously helpful to his future career.I am sorry that I recommend him without any reservation with you. Thanks for your attention and please contact with me if you would like to know more about him.
Best Regards,
XXXX
總體上很行,只是有些句子表達(dá)不好,主要的幾個(gè)幫你改過(guò)來(lái)了,語(yǔ)法也要多注意.格式我已經(jīng)幫你調(diào)整好了.
希望對(duì)你有幫助!