When asked about college students should live alone or live with roommates ,different students will have different preferences.Some students choose to live alone ,while others would rather live with roommates.（用while的時候盡量保持兩個句子的時態(tài)一致,因為while有隱含的同時發(fā)生的意思,但這是個小問題）
Those students who make the former choice believe （書面語中最好不要省略that,因為要引導句子）living alone can make them enjoy more peace and quiet.（沒有錯誤但是有些拗口,can,make這樣的動詞范圍太大,適當換成更為精致的動詞） Besides,they argue（that） ,under such peaceful conditions ,they can focus their attention on their own study easily ,learning（與前后動詞保持平行用learn） efficiently and gain more knowledge .However ,still other students choose to live with roommates.From their perspectives ,college career includes not only learning but also how to cope with other people.（英語講求美的平行,not only..but also...后面接平行的形式會使句子更為漂亮,如not only how to...but also how to...） In addition ,they（這個代詞指代得也太遠了～直接用名詞更好） hold the point that living with roommates is convenient for them（指代不清楚,有指代roommates的歧義） to make friends with each other.（用other classmates更清晰）
As to me ,I am inclined to live with roommates since I am not good at fitting in with other peers and dorm life may benefit me .Furthermore ,I can get immediate help from students around me when I alone can not handle a matter（alone放到句末） .Given these factors ,I think I’d better live with roommates.
很大的問題沒有.如果是四級的話應該是還可以的吧.個人覺得代詞用得太多,使得中間部分很模糊,說了那么多他們他們他們,誰知道指的是什么呢?能用名詞的時候盡量用名詞要顯得清楚簡潔得多.恩.