Bart the General
Bart the General Written by John Swartzwelder
Directed by David
Interior of the oven, cupcakes baking. Homer opens the door, and Marge
explains that Lisa's baking them for her teacher. Door closes. Bart
opens the door and reaches in, but Marge yanks him away. Lisa
ices the most recent batch of chocolate cupcakes...
Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet! Apple polisher! Butt-kisser!
Homer: Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
-- ``Bart the General''
Homer tells Bart it never hurts to grease the wheel, but Lisa denies that
she's doing it for the grades. She gets good grades because she pays
attention and studies hard. Homer grabs a cupcake, and the kids dash off
when the school bus horn honks. Lisa nips back in time to grab the
cupcake before Homer can eat it. (``D'oh!'')
Bart complains to Otto that Lisa baked a batch of cupcakes for her teacher
and isn't letting him have even a single crumb. Lisa hands over a cupcake.
``Here, Otto. I made an extra one for you.''
Bart takes the seat next to Lisa, and when the bus sets into motion, the
box jostles, and Bart helps catch it. Lisa grabs the box back.
Bart: You sniveling toad! You little egg-sucker!
Lisa: [holding secure her box of cupcakes] Tell me more!
Bart; Back-scratcher! Boot-licker! Honor student!
Lisa: [smirking] You'll never get one now, name-caller.
Bart: All right, all right. Look, I'm sorry. I, I got upset.
In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean.
Lisa: [milking it] You weren't thinking, were you.
Bart: No.
Lisa: I'ma sniveling toad, am I?
Bart: Not really.
Lisa: I'ma little egg-sucker, am I?
Bart: Of course not.
Lisa: Then what am I?
Bart: A beautiful human being.
Lisa: [coyly] What do you like best about me?
Bart: [staring at the cupcakes] Well, I'd have to say...
Your generous nature, your spirit of giving.
Lisa: Well... [thinks] Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will
get a big surprise.
Bart: [does so]
Lisa: [gets up. The bus stops, and a cupcake falls out of the box.
Lisa picks it up and shoves it into Bart's mouth, then leaves]
Bart: [munching] Thanks, Lis. You're the best!
-- ``Bart the General''
Once off the bus, a bully grabs the cupcakes and goes through the box,
taking one bite out of each before discarding it. Bart threatens the
boy, but Lisa warns Bart that the kid is a friend of Nelson Muntz.
The boy pretends to hand over the box, but drops it and stomps on it.
This proves too much for Bart, who leaps to attack the kid. A scuffle
ensues (with the other kids cheering), and a hand reaches in and grabs
Bart. It's Nelson, who holds Bart harmlessly at arm's length, then
tosses him aside. Nelson is bleeding. He explains that he always
gets other people's blood on his face. But this time, it really
his blood.
It was an accident, man. A terrible, ghastly mistake.
-- Bart tries to talk his way out of another jam, ``Bart the General''
A cold wind blows. Skinner stops by. ``Play friendly, children.''
The bell rings.
Nelson: [threateningly] I'll get you after school, man.
Bart: But...
Princ. Skinner: Oh no no no, he'll get you after school, son.
Now hurry up, it's time for class.
Bart: But...
Princ. Skinner: [shooing] Scoot, young Simpson! There's learning to be done!
-- ``Bart the General''
During class, Bart daydreams... Nelson is now a giant, who chases Bart
down the hallway. Bart throws knives at him, which he merely pushes
away after they embed in his chest. Bullets from a machine gun merely
bounce off him. Bart is trapped, and giant-Nelson grabs Bart and says,
``Lunchtime!'' Bart falls down Nelson's throat...
``Lunchtime, Bart,'' says Milhouse. Milhouse tells Bart he has to
tell Skinner, but Bart refuses to violate the code of the schoolyard.
They reach the lunchroom, where Lisa introduces ``Bart the bully-killer!''
Look, everybody. I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this.
I'm not saying that I'm not a hero.
I'm just saying that... I fear for my safety.
-- Bart, ``Bart the General''
Nelson and his two cronies push through the crowd. The other kids scoot.
Nelson tells Bart to be at the flagpole at 3:15. And not to be late.
He has four other meetings that afternoon.
Bart daydreams in class again... It's his funeral. Open casket. (Bart
has his lunchbox tucked under his arm.)
Otto: [at Bart's wake] Good-bye, little dude.
[to Principal Skinner] He looks so lifelike, man!
Principal Skinner: Yes, the nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his
little face after the fight. Good-bye, son. I guess you were right.
All that homeworka waste of your time.
-- Wake me when it's over, ``Bart the General''
Thanks, Bart! We got the day off from school for this!
-- Milhouse attends Bart's wake, ``Bart the General''
Homer gleefully says he got the day off from work for this. Marge jabs
him in the ribs, and Homer acts in a manner more befitting the situation.
Marge and Maggie bid Bart farewell. Lisa holds a cupcake. ``I can't
help but think if I had just given it to you in the first place,
this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided.'' She leaves it
on his forehead. Nelson comes up and takes the cupcake. ``Hey, look!
They've got food at this thing!'' He then gives Bart a parting punch.
The 3:15 bell rings. Bart tries to sneak out (hiding behind ridiculous
things), but Nelson blocks his way.
Nelson: Put 'em up! [circles his fists]
Bart: [raises his hands in surrender]
-- ``Bart the General''
Nelson pummels a helpless Bart. Bart eventually collapses. ``Boy, you
sure taughta lesson.'' Bart is dragged off and dumped into a trash
can. ``I'm going to get you again tomorrow, Simpson.'' Bart takes a
free ride in the garbage can down the street. Bart mutters, ``Man, that
guy's tough to love...''
[End of Act One. Time: 7:24ish]
Bart climbs out of the garbage can onto the Simpsons front lawn. He falls
and crawls inside. Marge seems concerned, but Homer just laughs it off.
Bart goes into the bathroom, takes a quick look in the mirror (``I'm gonna
miss ya, big guy'') and sits in the tub, moaning in pain. Homer pops in,
at Marge's insistence. Bart tearfully asks Homer's help. The first step
is to dry Bart's tears, which Homer does with a high-power hair blower.
Bart: Well, I had a run-in with a... bully.
Marge: [bursts in] A bully!?
Homer: [annoyed] Come on, Marge! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa!
Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.
Bart: I... guess I could do that.
Homer: What!? And violate the code of the schoolyard!?
I'd rather Bart die!
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer!?
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be
a man. Let's see. [enumerates them on his fingers] Don't tattle.
Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything,
unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
What else...
-- Rule number four: Girls have cooties, ``Bart the General''
Marge will hear nothing of this.
Marge: This bully friend of yours. Is he a little on the chunky side?
Bart: Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.
Marge: Mmm. And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either.
Bart: No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
-- ``Bart the General''
Marge suggests he try talking it out, but Homer drags Bart away. ``Thank
you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi.''
Down in the rumpus room, Homer draws a face on a punching bag and invites
Bart to do his worst. Bart feebly punches it. ``No, no, not like that.
Like this!'' Homer leaps onto the bag, clawing and chewing. He spits
out a mouthful of cloth.
Homer: You didn't expect that, did you. And neither will he.
Bart: You mean that I should fight dirty, Dad?
Homer: Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules
a little in order to hold our own.
Bart: Amen!
Homer: So the next time this bully thinks you're going to throw a punch,
you throw a glob of mud in his eye!
And then you sock him [pounds fist into hand] when he staggers
around blinded!
Bart: [getting into it] Yeah!
Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
Bart: Gotcha.
Homer: [quietly] And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels.
That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.
[punches the punching bag down low]
Bart: [cringes] Thanks, Pop.
-- The rules of the schoolyard, Simpson style, ``Bart the General''
取材自美國喜劇動畫片【辛普森一家】
希望能幫到你!