用詞多樣化我是贊成的,但是堆砌辭藻肯定不算是好文章.詞語用準了可以提高文章,用得不準反而會貽笑大方.我覺得用詞需要加強,這里需要的是一點一滴的長期努力.有些很細致的用詞和表達是需要細微感覺的,你能體會出多少算多少吧.
原文：It is generally believed that the subjects and course contents of students should be decided by official institution such like local governments.
第一句的抄襲痕跡過重,借用了題目第一句的表達結構和用詞細節(jié),鑒于第二句和后文所顯示的語言能力,我覺得你自己語言再表述的實力沒有發(fā)揮出來.
個人認為,比如the subjects and course contents顯然就是考你curriculum這個詞,在首句就進行替換應該有助于提高首句質量.
Generally believed 一般要用在有主流共識的情況.因為后邊你說業(yè)界的觀點并不統(tǒng)一,還達沒到generally的程度,這里用widely believed比 generally believed 更合適.
“institution” 要加s
students 主要指中小學階段,題目用的children,所以建議加個”young”.通常,第一句最好指代更清楚,后文才可以省略簡化.
改寫:It is widely believed that the curriculum for young students should be decided by education departments.
原文：However, whether teachers should be given authority to make a decision about the curriculum for young students is a challenging issue in education.
感覺語言不夠精煉,實際表達的信息并不多.這不是個“挑戰(zhàn)性”的問題,是個“有爭議”的問題.”challenging issue”改為“controversial issue”
改寫:However, whether teachers should be given more authority to make such decisions is a controversial issue.
原文：In my opinion, when designing the educational policy on curriculum, authorities should take the suggestions from teachers into account at the meantime.
“the educational policy on curriculum”太累贅了,好像沒有這么用的.建議改成“educational policy or curriculum”或單用“curriculum”.
還有一個是用詞似似而非的問題.Take suggestion通常是在有建議的情況下被動使用.問題和前文中并沒有說老師們已經(jīng)提出了不同意見, 所以這里最好用“征詢”意見而不該用“采納”意見.用詞最好是主動的invite suggestions,而不是take suggestions.另外,僅僅suggestions可能方式太局限,不如用inputs.
At the meantime 在這里純屬畫蛇添足.At the meantime不知是否地道,通常用 in the meantime.但是放在這里也還是不合適.meantime一般是指代個某事發(fā)生前的臨時時段.使用In the meantime 要讓讀者理解你所指代的時間段的起止,而這里沒有明確meantime的起止時間或事件,屬用詞不當.
改寫：In my opinion, when designing curriculum, authorities should invite inputs from teachers.
原文：In the first place, curriculum designed by authorities should be given priority.
嚴格地說,“大綱“應當被“遵從”,只有“大綱內容“可以被”優(yōu)先“.“given priority”用在這里和前面不太搭配.給你舉個例子體會一下吧：curriculum content should be given priority.因為本文討論的不是擴展內容,這里建議將“given priority”改為“adhered to“,“followed”或”respected”.以上三個詞從最嚴格到最不嚴格排序,根據(jù)你比較騎墻的觀點可能你會選最后一個.
改寫：In the first place, curriculum designed by authorities should be respected.
原文：Before carrying out the educational policy, lots of research and investigations must have been done by official institutions.
還是用詞不當問題.“Carry out“ 是 implementation/execution的意思,與后文不搭配.根據(jù)后文的論述,這里用的意思應該是教育政策的”制定“或”頒布“而非“執(zhí)行“.所以應該把carry out替換為formulate或make或publish.
“The”應改為“an”, 這里應是泛指的政策.
還有一點,這個句子用詞太口語化了,文風不夠學術.“l(fā)ots of“這個短語是比較口語化的,嚴肅的學術寫作文體最好使用更正式的詞語表達建議改為”extensive”.另外如果改寫得狠一點,”Before publishing“,” “done”等處也可以使用更加學術化的表達.
改寫：Prior to the publication of any educational policy, extensive research and investigations must have been conducted by official institutions.
原文：This means those educational plans widely satisfy the demand of student's intellectual development and employment in the future.
至少要加入”needs”,future位置可調.
改寫：This means those educational plans widely satisfy the demand of student's intellectual development and future employment needs.
原文：Another advantage is that uniform curriculum made by official institutions can contribute to unify and regulate the unitive educational system,avoiding the irregular standards of native schooling.
加入“a”.unify 和 unitive 顯得用詞重復.“irregular“改為“inconsistent” , “native” 要改為”national”.
改寫：Another advantage is that a uniform curriculum made by official institutions can contribute to unify the educational system, avoiding the inconsistent school standards nationwide.
原文：However, almost governments concerns more about the requirements of student's development from the social view rather than the interests of the youths.
“Almost” 改為 “most”, “concerns”去掉s, “social view” 可改”expectations from the society”,其他可酌情修改.后文你正確使用的“cater to”不妨放這里使用.
改寫：However, most governments concern more about the education outcomes meeting general expectations from the society rather than cater to the interests of the individual youths.
原文：It's hard to avoid that students lose enthusiasm on study toward some boring theoretical classes.
原文的表達不自然.有多種改法比如：“l(fā)ost enthusiasm for school” 或 “l(fā)ost interest on some classes”
改寫：It’s hard to avoid that some students lost interests on some theory study classes.
原文：On the contrary, teacher's abundant teaching experiences can remedy the defect of the educational policy made by authorities.
說官員的政策有“defects”似乎又是用詞不妥.你又不是反對黨,也不是在寫攻擊政策的文章,用“Defect”這個詞似乎太重了,不如用”deficiency” .
“On the contrary“用在這里其實是不恰當?shù)?想想教師的教學經(jīng)驗可以彌補官員教育政策的不足這個觀點與什么觀點是相對呢?難道是教學經(jīng)驗無用論?前邊兩句已經(jīng)用過however 轉折了,這里contrary 的對象指代不清.
改寫：In this regard, the rich teaching experiences a frontline teacher has can supplement the deficiencies of the curriculum made by the authorities.
原文：Teachers spent their working hours with students together so that teachers understand the student's requirements better than official institutions.
Spent改spend,student’s 改 students’, 第二個“teacher”可以改”they”以避免重復, “institutions”要去掉.學生的需求一般用needs而不用requirements.
改寫：Teachers spend longer hours with students, so that they understand students’ needs better than officials.
原文：Also, the subjects and course contents designed by teachers cater to the needs of student's interests better.
“the needs of studnets’ interests” 不是地道的英文,太拗口了.是去掉“the needs of”還是去掉“ interest”二選一吧.考慮上句用了 “needs”, 這句建議保留”interest”
改寫：Also, the subjects and course contents designed by teachers cater to student’s interests better.

原文：In addition, it is necessary that let teachers participate in the process of designing the subjects and courses for students since the significant position of education the teachers play.
基本修改的話“that” 改 “to”. “position” 改 “roles”,”position”指代比較”role”更具體, 第二個“of” 改“in”, “the”改 “that”.前半句改得精煉點,后半句改得通順點,自己體會吧.
改寫：In addition, it is necessary to involve teachers in the curriculum development process, recognising the significant roles that teachers play in education.
原文：In conclusion, the subjects and course contents for children should be decided by authorities , such as the central government. However, we can not neglect the disadvantages that the authorities have. And teachers' participation can remedy the defect to some extent. In other words, during the process of drafting the educational policy on curriculum, authorities should take the suggestions from teachers into account .
整段來吧,不解釋了.
改寫：In conclusion, school curriculum should primarily be decided by the education department at national level. However, in light of the disadvantages such arrangements may have, authorities should value teachers’ participation through out the curriculum drafting process and allow for flexibilities in local teaching practice.