Hello.My name is Wu Yifei.I'm 13 years old.I study in
No.50 Middle School.I'm in Class 8 ,Grade 7.I love English very much.I can read English books.I can speak Chinese,English and a little Japanese.I can play the guitar.I like chocolate best but I don’t like vegetables.I often do my homework and get information on the computer.I am good at computer.I think computer is good for us(你擅長computer跟你認為計算機是否對大家有幫助沒有關系哦,所以不要用so,將good for改稱helpful for us更合適).That is all.Thank you very much.
對第一段點評：LZ中心思想不夠明確,這篇lecture想要表達什么意思呢?一會寫英語,一會寫吉他,一會巧克力,一會蔬菜,一會又到計算機.不太明白LZ想要通過這個lecture表達什么意思?說明自己的愛好嗎?如果是,最好分類愛好,因為這幾個愛好完全沒有關系.所以希望LZ針對一個愛好,比如computer,重點說明你對計算機改變人類生活的看法.
第二段話.
My oration（lecture） is Computer helps us.
Computer is our assistant.We can get information on it.If I have some problems then(去掉then) I often (often去掉,改成will)use the computer to help me solve the problems.I often (often去掉,改成will)do some homework on the computer if it is difficult.I always play computer games twice a week.I usually read news on the computer.I think it is good for me and it is cheaper than newspapers.On the computer,I can download music,visit websites,send emails and so on.So I think computer can help us.
這段沒什么大的錯誤,但主要和上一段一樣,不要一直是一個句型,i...it..we..全部是代詞+動詞+名詞,沒有被動,沒有倒裝,缺少必要的連接詞,看起來很卡瓦伊的英語哦.努力哦!