popular events like he footbal world cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.to what extent do you agree or disagree.
there is an universal arguement whether popular events such as football world cup and certain international sporting occasions will be beneficial to eliminate tension made by different countries.overall,i agree the opinion expressed.（同學(xué),你的whether和will一起的用法是不對的,用are就好；eliminate嘛,是消除的意思,這樣講太絕對了,外國人不喜歡絕對的,應(yīng)該說reduce；overal是在文章末尾的,應(yīng)該用in my opinion,后面可以用fllowing point of view,避免重復(fù)）
on one（中間少個the） hand,popular events (can)promote the progress (去掉）of peace.by this（.沒見過這樣的用法） i mean that （不要動不動用i mean,那是口語）it removes the barrier of interpretation between individuals who do not speak same language（這句話是翻譯器翻來的吧.）.for example,the olympic game,provide（三單加S） a platform for not only altheles but （.ALSO!）audiences around the world to interact with each other（interact就行）.besides,there is no denying the fact （there is no doubt比較好,雅思喜歡）that international sport（加S） meeting raised （為什么要用過去時?can raise）money for charities.to be more precise,poverty play（三單） a dominant role in religion clashes especially among（especially 后面應(yīng)該加名詞,和前面的名次平行） un development countries（沒有這個說法,是developing countries).in addition,it opens a gap for mutual understanding,which boarden people's horizons towards cultural diversity.last but not least,government （should）also allocate money to enhance public facilities as the gallary held.
on the other hand,despite its（沒有主語,什么的importance?) importance,internation occasions may suffer the potential risks as well,i am refering(不要用I!不能主觀!） to the fact that criminal behavior which occurs frequently on the gym as individuals are not satisfied with the competition's result,(加it may)cause blood events that is aganist with the original intention to hold the meeting.
also,it is primary target that is located by terrorists to place bombs as millions of audiences watch the competition.
in conclusion,although criminal behavior and terriosm will threaten the safe（safe是名詞） of popular events,it is also an effective way to remove internation tension