Shenzhen is a big city.There are about 13 million people living in Shenzhen.There are also many cars,buses,taxis.So there are a lot of traffic jams in Shenzhen,although Shenzhen is famous for its high-tech product and it is advancement.The life in Shenzhen isn`t better than the life in valliges.Becausethe traffic makes the air dirty.The air in village is much fresher than it in Shenzhen.But living in Shenzhen is pleasant too.There are many places of interest in Shenzhen,such as Happy Valley and the Window of the World and so on.And there are lots of good schools in Shenzhen such as Shenzhen Experimental School,.Forieagn Language School and Shenzhen Middle School.
I live in Shenzhen happily.But I have some suggestions.We can go to school and go to work by bus or underground and plant more trees.You should only bear one baby in Shenzhen.I think Shenzhen will become more and more beautiful.
我只給了你改了語法錯誤,沒改邏輯上的問題,因為暫時還不需要呢.
請仔細閱讀修改后的文字,對照自己的文章
你需要豐富自己的句式,減少there be句型的使用
同時減少such as的使用,可以用like,for instance,take sth as an example代替 .
這樣將會更好